Trichotillomania or Compulsive Hair Pulling

To me, the word “trichotillomania” or TTM, sounds like a newly discovered STD. It’s long, hard to pronounce, and up until just recently, meant absolutely nothing to me. It’s the type of disorder that you only see on TV- vague, impossible to fathom, and would never happen to you… until it does. What is TTM? Trichotillomania is currently defined as an impulse control disorder (for now- more research is still needed) that causes people to pull hair from their scalp, eyelashes, eyebrows, pubic area, underarms, beard, chest, legs or other parts of the body. Most of my research on my disorder started after I had already lost most of my hair. I had asked my doctor about it, and instead of giving it a name, she simply said, “It’s part of an anxiety disorder”. She prescribed me Zoloft, an antidepressant, and told me that it would help with both the anxiety and depression that I was experiencing. For two months, I religiously took the Zoloft, praying that I would get some kind of relief. Instead, my days consisted of sitting on my couch, pulling and inspecting each strand until it was time to pick up my kids from daycare. I was a complete zombie. Yes, the Zoloft did decrease the number of crying episodes that I would have each day, but I felt numb inside. I could function, but I had lost the passion for my plight and experienced very little emotional variety whatsoever. I had as many facial expressions as Kristen Stewart from Twilight. I stopped answering the phone, going to the grocery store, and pretty much became a hermit. As a mom, it’s very scary to know that you could care less about the safety and happiness of your children. It made me feel like a sociopath, thus initiating my quest to find a better treatment for what was happening to me. The best resource for TTM research that I have found is http://www.trich.org. It is a very thorough site that is dedicated to helping sufferers of TTM find answers and support. My first site visit lasted hours- literally. I was stoked to learn that there were others like me. For the first time in months, I didn’t feel like such a freak. Most of my friends and family had never heard of the disorder and a few had even suggested that I was doing it on purpose. I was incredibly hurt by the suggestion. Who in the hell would choose to feel like an outcast? As a woman, there are a few parts of my body that I feel visibly represent my feminism. For me, those would be my boobs and my hair. Both are clearly visible to the outside world and say, “Hey, I’m not a dude”. Being called “Sir” in the drive-thru at Tim Hortons is not exactly an experience I’d like to relive. It’s devastating to have your gender not only questioned, but actually mistaken. The little bit of self-esteem I had left was now gone and I was left feeling like Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notre dame. The hardest part of all this was finding out how dependent my relationship with my now ex-fiance was on the length of my hair. I met Mitch when I was 15. He was a little older than me, 17, and we met at McDonald’s where we both worked. It was obvious to friends and coworkers that Mitch and I ran in completely different social circles. He in a floor-length trench coat listening to ACDC and I belting out Britney Spears’ Toxic while driving around town with my closest friends. Despite his 6’2” 350 lbs exterior, I was attracted to Mitch because he was super attentive and was always a gentleman. He always bent over backwards to see me smile and his generosity was admirable. He was literally that guy that would give you the shirt off of his back and buy you dinner on top of it. Three years into our relationship I decided to cut my hair. It was a chin-length bob that was better in theory than in practice. Mitch hated it and made me swear that I would never cut it short again. I hated it, too, and eagerly agreed. Fast forward six years. My hair was down to my bra strap and thicker than you could imagine… until the picking started. By the time I got on the right medication to help me stop picking (more on that later), the bald spot on my head was larger than a silver dollar. With a watchful eye and a ton of hairspray, though, it was still possible to cover my dirty, little secret. Close friends and family knew, but to the rest of the world I was just another average woman sporting an almost-too-long ponytail. Mitch was supportive about it in the beginning. He would alert me to my picking whenever he saw my hand on my head and was still very loving and affectionate despite my obsessive allegiance to my cause. Both of us are firm believers in the saying, “When there’s a will, there’s a way”-or at least that was the case. If trichotillomania has taught me anything, it’s that anxiety and compulsions are very real and require immediate medical attention. I used to gawk at the idea of anxiety. All anxiety was to me was a reason for lazy and trashy people to get SSD benefits. And compulsions? That only happened to people on TV, and I was convinced that most people were lying. Once again- until it happened to me. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is try and explain that I can’t help the picking and that most of the time, I’m not even aware that I’m doing it. People would ask, “Doesn’t it hurt?”, and the answer is, “Well…no”. To be completely honest, I felt better after I picked. Hard to believe? It was for me, too, because I’m that person who bases opinions on science. Science tells us that we have pain receptors or nociceptors, and that when we pull our hair, it hurts. And for good reason- when we experience pain, we are wired to remove ourselves or protect ourselves from the stimulus that is causing us pain. Right now I am getting at least some kind of treatment. That being said, my treatment is not adequate and has not completely fixed the damage. Anafranil has helped me to pick less, but I don’t want to pick less… I want to stop picking.

Oh where, oh where, is all of my hair?

Mid-April was the beginning of my downward spiral. I was beginning to ignore my house, my kids, my love of couponing.... everything. Every meal consisted of either fast food or snack food. I quit paying the bills and even bought milk through the drive-thru to avoid going to the store. Living and breathing became a chore, and the desire to be a good mom faded into the background as I struggled to understand the chain of events that led to my demise. I've never been a fan of anti-depressants, but the pain caused by my deep depression was starting to affect every aspect of my life. When you here the phrase "depression hurts", it really does. I had always believed it to be an expression, but I actually experienced real, physical pain. Knowing that I needed help, I swallowed my pride and made an appointment with my doctor.

I didn't realize that my hair pulling was an issue until it was clearly visible and my scalp was smooth to the touch.

My doctor prescribed Zoloft for me and told me that the hair pulling (trichotillomania) was caused by the development of a  new anxiety disorder. The Zoloft, she said, would help with both the depression and the anxiety.

This is what my scalp looked like during the second month of my Zoloft treatment. I could no longer  hide my disfigurement- ponytails were not an option anymore. From this point on, I was a hat owner- and I wasn't very happy about it.

Next post: Trichotillomania

They probably shouldn’t have given me so much time to educate myself about the law and my legal rights.

At this point I was incredibly pissed. Over the next few days, I had "googled" just about every single thing that Sinclair had violated... due process, disability discrimination, free speech, retaliation, FERPA intentional tort, some kind of malpractice, ect. The list goes on and on. After making a few phone calls, I decided to file a charge with the Ohio Civil Rights Commission. At the very least, it was free to file and at least SOMEONE would listen to me without requiring an enormous sum of money up front (which I did not have). After filing, I made an appointment with the assistant dean of the Life and Health Sciences department.
I had no idea what to expect, but I did know that I wanted to record our meeting, which I should have done the first two times.
The assistant dean greeted me with a warm handshake and a friendly smile. I still wasn't buying it. I asked her if I could record our meeting and she declined, saying that she wasn't comfortable being recorded, but that she didn't mind if I took notes and that she would sign her name after whatever notes I wanted to take. I was a little dismayed, but I can't record without her permission. Before we got started, I asked her to read the one-page letter that I had typed up. I did this to make sure that it was read, because I was almost certain that Jan had thrown my last letter into the trash as soon as I had walked out the door.

April 9^th, 2012

Despite my attempts to resolves my issues within the nursing department, I have found my actions to be fruitless and decided    to  seek assistance elsewhere.*

 During my first attempt at NSG 222, my instructor, Molly Roll, asked me why my test score was so low on the first test. In an attempt to hide my true feelings, I blamed the stimulant shortage and informed her that I have ADHD. She asked me tell her when I got my prescription refilled. I did. The second test was not any better, and I told my instructor that I felt that many of the questions were too vague or poorly written. In subsequent test reviews, she agreed with many of my statements regarding particular questions. After the course ended, I and two of my peers scheduled meetings with Joseph Giardullo. This was recommended by another student and I had talked with Joseph before when I learned that Mary Cox was miscounting when calculating test grades. He was very nice and informative at that time and referred me to Marcia Miller, who was the current chairperson at that time. The purpose of my meeting was to discuss testing practices and the inability of students to ask questions during the test. My peers wanted to complain about the instructor. He had my file pulled, and instead of listening to my concerns, he went on to try to convince me that I was incompetent. He did not do this with my peers, and they left their meetings satisfied. During my meeting with Joseph, I also voiced my concerned that the Disaster Preparedness course was teaching students that if someone is to get any kind of chemical in their eyes, they should rinse the substance out for 10-15 seconds, up to a minute. I think that this is dangerous to teach students and told him so, citing that the CDC, Poison Control, Mayo Clinic, ect. say to rinse for at least 10-15 minutes, if not longer.

          Shortly after my meeting with Joseph I received a call for reinstatement, despite the committee not having met yet. I was put in Kathleen Shipley’s section. Everything was okay until I challenged my first question. She wouldn’t even listen to my rationale. After that, she made every effort to intimidate me, even going as far as making comments about my ADHD, which I had not disclosed to her. After the final exam, she really “let loose” on me in her office. She said ( or yelled, rather) that I was unsafe to administer Heparin (even though I had done it just fine in clinical and before her class), my care plans weren’t specific enough to my patient, my med recall was terrible, and that a few weeks beforehand, my partner and I didn’t ask for a med reconciliation form. She said that it was HIPPA and that it was a patient safety issue and that it was a big deal that we didn’t ask for it. I told her that we assumed that there wasn’t one because it wasn’t in our stack of papers. The real question is, if it was such a huge patient safety issue, why didn’t she say anything when it happened rather than wait until the last day of class? That was an issue 3 weeks ago and I had other patients after that. Was she going to let us keep making the same mistake over and over again?

Right after the heparin comment, I started to say, "You....” She then goes, "There you go... blaming others. You can't even take responsibility for your own mistakes". Had she listened to me, she would have known that I was just going to say that I was confused because she kept repeating "HIPPA" over and over again in the med room at clinical. It wasn't until a few minutes later that I realized that she was talking about my performance exam, which isn't really even fair because she went out of her way to intimidate me during my check-off.

I was allowed to look at my final and ask questions about it. At question three, she yells, “I’m not going to sit here and argue with you about this. If you want to know because you want to know than fine, but….” Nonetheless, nothing she said hurt as much as when she told me that I needed to find a new career, because I wasn’t good enough to be a nurse. I’ve never felt so broken-hearted in my life.

 She watched me struggle to close the door and kept on in her rampage. Other students in the building repeatedly walked by her door to see what was going on. I did not receive a proper evaluation, and did not get a chance to read the small piece of paper that I had signed. I was humiliated.  

          Shortly after, I made appointment with Jan Mains. She also ignored my concerns and went on to convince me that I was incompetent. I would like to believe that others outside of the nursing department aren’t aware that this going on. I can live with myself for failing nursing school, but I can’t live with myself for standing by and doing nothing. I have already filed a complaint with the Ohio Civil Rights Commission. Students should not learn that “Nurses eat their young” in nursing school. We all take this program very seriously, and pay tuition not only to learn and correct our mistakes, but to also be treated with dignity and respect.

Sincerely,

She asked questions and took notes as she read my letter. She was very attentive and professional throughout the entire meeting, yet I still wasn't able to see my tests. I was happy with how the meeting went, mostly because she kept reiterating to me that she "highly encouraged" me to apply for divisional reinstatement, even if it only let others know what was going on within the nursing department. She was very good at being neutral, which I appreciated. After leaving the meeting, I knew that I had to put together a good case. I was emotionally exhausted, and had no idea about where to begin. The next two months were tortuous, and keeping my head above water was the hardest task that I had ever taken on.

Next post: Oh where, oh where, is all of my hair?

Independence Day and civil rights: Two words that I should have loved before

In honor of Indepence Day, I thought that I would free myself from the burden of censoring myself to protect Sinclair Community College. It has been awhile since my last blog post due to the uncontrolable desire to educate myself about the laws of the land and how they can help me help others. Sinclair goes out of its way to censor students, teachers, the media, or whoever else gets in its way.Their blatant disregard for our civil liberties is disturbing, and I will no longer stand by and let them take away my voice. GAME ON, SINCLAIR!!

Word of the day: blame, and how I figured out these assholes were working together.

After Shipley’s rampage, I went home and bawled my eyes out. It was horrible just to fail the course, but it was absolutely devastating being subjected to her loud, berating tirade. I had already prepared myself emotionally for the course failure. I was pretty sure after what she had pulled during my performance check-off that she was going to do whatever she had to do to fail me. I wasn’t expecting her tirade, however, which took me completely by surprise.

*D did her best to comfort me while I tried to explain what Shipley had done. I knew that the next step was to make an appointment with the chairperson. *D had had the chairperson for NSG 220 and had nothing but positive things to say about her. She said that she was really “pro-student” and wanted students to succeed. Even with that in mind, I wrote the chairperson, Jan, a five-page letter explaining EVERYTHING. I really felt that I needed to do this, because I was completely caught off guard when Joseph tried to prove my incompetence a few weeks earlier.

My meeting with Jan was anything but predictable. Up until this point, I just thought that I had come across two separate people that lacked in the understanding of ethical and moral behavior. She also had my file pulled just as Joseph did. The same tacky approach was taken in regards to proving my incompetence. I gave her an example of a test question directly from our practice test that showed how unclear the question was (word for word from our school’s website):

The RN plans to do dietary teaching for the patient with CAD who select these foods more than 3 times each week. (Select all that apply).

a.       Olives

b.      Sugarless cookies with 3 GM. Transfats

c.       Scrambled eggs

d.      French fries

e.      Spicy salsa

The answers that they had were b,c, and d. The rationale given for allowing olive consumption is that olive oil is beneficial to the heart. My argument is that the student needs to know what kind of olives are being consumed. It is unreasonable to believe that with the information given that the patient is consuming fresh olives. Most people eat canned olives, which are very high in salt. People with CAD are taught to follow an American Heart Association diet, which says to “choose and prepare foods with little or no salt”.

Her response? “Susan- what is CAD?” The last thing I was expecting was a quiz so I was a little surprised to say the least. “Ummm… fats lining the arteries.” Jan said, “Lipids. Lipids are the lab that we evaluate in patients with CAD. Salt has nothing to do with CAD so your point is moot.” I didn’t say anything. I wanted to be sarcastic,, because that’s how I like to roll, but all I said was, “Well, Molly agreed with us and said that the question could have been written better.” She says, “You say you don’t argue with instructors but here you are arguing with me”. Seriously? I can’t DISCUSS rationale at all? Since when is having a discussion considered arguing? She was obviously not going to listen to anything that I had to say. She went on to say that I should stop blaming others and take responsibility for my failures. I started to tear up again. She said that it was her job to make sure that the testing software was functioning properly and that she would look into it. Right, I’m so sure you will, I thought. I left Jan  with the letter below:

3/26/12

To whom it may concern:

                I would like to contest my grade in NSG 222. I have spent too much time at Sinclair to just give up on my dream of becoming a nurse based on the outcome of one course. Before going into details, though, I think that it would be beneficial if I give you a brief history and explanation of my time at Sinclair.

Anatomy & Physiology and Pharmacology were never very easy for me. Before I started the Nursing Program, I had nothing to apply them to and found them to be tedious and boring. To be completely honest, I’ve learned more in my nursing classes in regards to content than I did during the time in which I was taking those courses. Those were the only two course subjects that I struggled with. During that same time frame, I had identified some academic weaknesses and made it a goal to improve. I knew that I would have performance check-offs in the program, and elected to take a public speaking class to overcome my “stage-fright”.  I also elected to take a few nursing/ pharmacology courses before entering 221 and 222. I learned a lot in those classes, but struggled with the final exams, which were full of short-answer questions that required me to find substitutes for certain drugs and dose them accordingly. I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting it at all and didn’t answer many of the questions. Since I was taking it for personal benefit and not a grade, I didn’t give much thought to “abandoning” those final exams.

1^st quarter in the Nursing Program- NSG 120, 121, Math 109, Micro, and A&P III (17 credit hours). This was a busy quarter for me. I was in my 3^rd trimester with my 2^nd child and worked double shifts on the weekends. I failed Math 109 and had to retake it during the summer. I was never given a grade for my final exam, and was told only that I had missed the mark by a few points. At the time, I was new in the program and didn’t think to question my grade or question my instructor’s grading methods. 

2^nd quarter- NSG 122, 123, and Pharmacology. Got a 78 on the first test in 122. After that point, “Lewis” became my best friend and there was a huge change in my test scores. I had a wonderful instructor, Tammy, who worked very hard to help her students succeed. Although she had us do extra assignments, it really helped you to really understand the content. I also contested many test questions in which the book said one thing and the test another. There were many times when Tammy told me that she would “take it back to her peers”. One question was even an N-CLEX question that was straight out of the book. I asked Tammy if I was going to get my points for it and she said, “Probably not”. I still passed the course, but I was pretty upset that my instructor would agree that I had the right answer, yet I wasn’t getting any points back. On the flip side, I bombed my first check-off in 123. It was completely unfamiliar territory and I had a panic attack right in the middle of my check-off. I didn’t even put on my gloves. I earned only 20 of 50 total possible points. After that, I made every effort to be successful in subsequent check-offs.  I passed my 2^nd check-off at 100% for 123 and passed my 122 check-off the first time. Unfortunately, I still ended up failing 123 by three points. After losing 30 points on the first check-off, there wasn’t a lot of room for error. This is also the time during which I learned that my math instructor was known for mis-grading and that she also wasn’t supposed to take away points for showing your work different from how she had taught. Upset, I went to speak with Marcia Miller who told me that they were aware of the issue and to save my emotional energy since I had already retaken math during the summer.

3^rd quarter- NSG 220. Content was very detail oriented. My instructor was very nice and helpful. I only “challenged” one question and I got my point back. I definitely liked that there was a system in place for students to challenge questions. It really made you feel that you were being treated fairly. Passed check-off the 1^st time.

4^th quarter- NSG 221. Great instructor. She was very passionate and gave excellent examples. Again, I only challenged one question. After hearing her rationale, that was the end of the discussion. My answer didn’t use therapeutic communication technique and I fully accepted it. I had to repeat the med-identification part of my check-off. You had to identify what med the pt. should be on for his/her condition out of a stack of about ten possible meds. The patient had anxiety. The only two possible meds for anxiety in my stack were Buspar and Librium. The scenario specifically asked for a benzo and instead, I picked Buspar even though it wasn’t a benzo because I had assumed that Librium was only used for alcohol detox. Other than that, everything else about my check-off was fine.

NSG 222- My instructor was nice. She had incredibly high expectations, and I did my best to meet them. I actively participated in class. Although I could speak the content pretty good and could recite my meds fairly fluently during med recall, I was still failing the tests. It was incredibly frustrating. My instructor was very good about going over my tests with me. After the first test, I started to challenge the questions. In some cases I was just wrong, but in other cases my instructor would tell me that she thought that they threw this question out or that question out. Other times it would take her six times to read the question and try to figure out what it was asking, the same number of times that it took me. A few times she even told me that I was right, but the answer that I had chosen wasn’t the one that they were looking for. I asked her if they could keep the scrap paper that we get in the testing center to write down rationale if we have any problems. She told me that they couldn’t do that. I was really frustrated. I felt hopeless. My demeanor completely changed. I honestly felt that I had a handle on the content and that the questions were too vague. Our entire class looked as if they had been to war. Everyone was struggling. We all had power points from another instructor and used those as well. There were some discrepancies, which unfortunately contributed to some missed questions. I can’t argue another instructor’s notes. Even though I think it would be terribly disrespectful to do so, it was still unsettling that there were so many discrepancies, considering that all the students were given the same test questions. I did good on my EKG test, earning 9.5 out of 10 points. I did have to take my math test a second time. For check-offs, I had to redo my IV push and scenario. The only test that I did pass was the final, which I only got an 85% on. My instructor’s biggest issue with me was my process tool. I did try very hard to navigate Epic and find all of my information. Epic was new to me, and we didn’t have a lot of time to find things, so I did have missing data. She also had issues with my plan of care. At the Atrium, patients don’t stay for very long and my patients were always scheduled to leave that day or the next. With that in mind, my interventions were only those that reflected their current state of health, not their admitting diagnosis. Once I figured out that my instructor wanted a plan of care based on the disease and not the patient, she was much happier and told me that she was very impressed with my care plan and the improvement that I had made. Had I known that earlier, I would have done just that. In regards to my missing data, I refuse to make something up just to fill in the blank. I’ve been advised by other students to do so and that the instructors didn’t know the difference, but for me it comes down to integrity. I don’t want to get in the habit of thinking that it’s okay to make up stuff I don’t know. I don’t think that it’s a quality that a good nurse possesses.            

My instructor was aware that I had ADHD. In the beginning of the quarter, I had told her that I was having trouble getting my prescription filled due to a drug shortage, which was true, but mostly an attempt to hide my true feelings towards the test questions. She was very understanding and seemed like she cared a lot. I did everything that I possibly could, but I still ended up failing the course by about 7 or 8 points. I felt like I was not only a failure as student, but a failure as a mom as well. My kids spent many nights away from home for nothing. It truly broke my heart. My only saving grace was knowing that I wasn’t the only one having issues. Two, possibly three other students failed in a class of nine.

NSG 222 (2^nd attempt)- The class started out okay. I didn’t talk much. I was still jaded from my first attempt. Things started to go really bad for me after I challenged a question on the second test. Prior to starting the quarter, I was advised by others not to challenge anything with this instructor. Before speaking to my instructor, I consulted another nursing instructor that I know outside of the program. She told me that she thought my rationale was good and that I should question it. I approached the situation very carefully, and was delicate with my choice of words. The response that I got was anything but reasonable. She said that all of the answers might be poor but that I needed to figure out what the best answer was. No ifs, ands, or buts. She wouldn’t listen to my rationale and cut me off right away. I was shocked to say the least. I pay tuition to come here every day and work my butt off, not to be treated like a high-school student who has no choice but to come. I knew going in that she was probably going to be sarcastic and rude, but I still expected her to at least listen to me. Before this incident, she hadn’t written much on my process tool. Now all of a sudden, everything’s wrong and I’m incompetent. Besides not hearing me out, she wasn’t even reading my process tool. I have two examples specifically of this in regards to her not reading what was on it, and one good example concerning my performance check-off. I was given my scenario with no written or verbal instructions, so I just did what my previous instructor had told me to do. She said not to worry about the lines, and to just write down what you would do in order and write your rationale beside it. I had seven actions total, my five skills and two assessments. I was really trying to be as thorough as possible. I can’t remember specifics about my scenario, but the short version is that my patient had CHF and the respiratory therapist is in the room suctioning when I come in. So first I put “assess lungs and oxygen status” and then I put that I would give the Lasix IVP and so on. She sees my scenario and sees that I have seven “actions” and starts to get upset that I didn’t use the five lines. She’s also only reading it half-asked and starts loudly asking about the suctioning over and over again. Well, it was last, after my reassessment, and only if it was needed. She told me redo it only using the five skills. Since she had been so hyper-focused on the suctioning, I assumed that maybe she wanted me to take over for the respiratory therapist. So now that’s first on the list and the Lasix IVP is 2^nd. It was wrong. She said that I missed the priority which was the Lasix and that I have to come back and do another scenario. I tried to tell her that I had that the first time but she wouldn’t hear me out. Desperately wanting to get her back on my side, I fumble and fidget and lose my concentration. I can’t find the tuberculin syringe to do my Heparin skill, so I grab a 3 mL even though my med was less than 1 mL. Wrong. So I look again, and I still can’t see it. The only small one left is an insulin syringe. Wrong. I know this, but I also know that my instructor doesn’t have a high patience tolerance. Long story short, I really blew it. I was still reeling from the scenario that she wouldn’t read. I came back the next day and everything was perfect. I was not under the same amount of stress, which would explain my ability to function normally.

I got an 80% on the final exam. She asked what was different about this test that contributed to my higher score. I told her that I felt that the test questions were pretty clear, which was only half- true. After I got up and asked her my first question, I could sense that she was really irritated so I didn’t ask her my other two questions, which I ended up getting wrong. Even though I knew that I didn’t successfully pass the course for a second time and that it would result in my dismissal, I still wanted to go over the questions. I want to know what I’m doing wrong so that I can fix it. It’s true in every single course. I want to review every test so that I can get better. I would be concerned if the student didn’t want to review the test. A student who doesn’t want to know what they’re doing wrong obviously doesn’t care enough to change. I think that it’s incredibly unfair for me to be treated that way for the pure and simple fact that I wanted to learn. I think that it’s strange that I didn’t get my clinical evaluation until after the final. I also think that she had every intention of failing me for clinical if I had passed the lecture portion. My clinical evaluation was terrible. She said ( or yelled, rather) that I was unsafe to administer Heparin (even though I had done it just fine in clinical), my care plans weren’t specific enough to my patient, my med recall was terrible, and that a few weeks ago, my partner and I didn’t ask for a med reconciliation form. She said that it was HIPPA and that it was a patient safety issue and that it was a big deal that we didn’t ask for it. I told her that we assumed that there wasn’t one because it wasn’t in our stack of papers. The real question is, if it was such a huge patient safety issue, why didn’t she say anything when it happened rather than wait until the last day of class? That was an issue 3 weeks ago and I had other patients after that. Was she going to let us keep making the same mistake over and over again?

I was allowed to look at my final and ask questions about it. At question three, she yells, “I’m not going to sit here and argue with you about this. If you want to know because you want to know than fine, but….” I’m not sure why she’s so defensive about the questions, but some of them are eerily familiar to the way she asks questions. She’s unwilling to accept that other instructors require different things in regards to their process tools, and that some instructors even use their own parameters. She’s made snarky, passive remarks about my ADHD that I haven’t disclosed to her, which means either that she’s on the Reinstatement Committee, some faculty members may have some confidentiality issues, or both. Nonetheless, nothing she said hurt as much as when she told me that I needed to find a new career, because I wasn’t good enough to be a nurse. I might not be an “A” student, but I bend over backwards to change something if need be.

After all of this, you may think the purpose of the above story is to complain about my instructor. Honestly, I know that complaining is going to get me nowhere in this particular instance.

The whole purpose of the above story is to show you that I don’t just screw up all the time and that my concerns were ignored by my instructor. I’m asking for the chance to dispute test questions. I would like my tests printed out so that I can go through and identify rationale and references. After spending the last four years here, I think I deserve the chance to defend myself if I’m being told to get out. In addition, I would like an instructor who’s non-biased to look at it. I really believe that the 222 instructors are too emotionally involved, based on my experiences so far.

Thanks for your time,

Do you think that I received a call in regards to my harassment claims about Shipley? Nope. If I were the chairperson of the nursing department, I would want to know dates, times, whether or not there were any witnesses, ect. Not only was Shipley’s behavior forbidden in the faculty handbook, so was Joseph’s and Jan’s. At this point I’m pissed. There was clearly no justice within the nursing department. It was obvious to me now that these people had all talked about me and were using the same words and phrases, most notably that I was blaming others for my grades, which I was not. I just wanted to identify rationale. Period. It took a minute, but the only thing that I have done differently than other students was voice a safety concern regarding the eye washing. BAM! There it was. They were pushing me out the door to shut me up and convince me that I was incompetent so that I would doubt myself and not tell others. It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but safety is HUGE in nursing and government requirements (later post).

 Again, I went home and cried. A lot. The crying just made me even more mad, and I decided at that point that I wasn’t going to let this go. This hasn’t just happened to me, it’s happened to other people, as well. You hear about these things, but it’s mostly swept under the rug and people forget about it. The student loses the passion for their fight and just gives up. Not me. Like Kelly Clarkson says, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. To be honest, it kind of is killing me (more on that soon!), but it will be worth it in the end. At the very least, I won’t have to look back and think, Gee…I wish I would’ve done something about that…

Next post: They probably shouldn’t have given me so much time to educate myself about the law and my legal rights.

She must need hearing aids because she sure as Hell isn’t listening to anything that I have to say

The class started out okay. I didn’t talk much. I was still jaded from my first attempt. I missed the first day of class due to my 3-year-old son turning off my alarm clock. As luck would have it, it wasn't the first time that that had happened to me. It also happened during my first attempt at NSG 222. Irony is a strange thing.... Anyways, I emailed her to let her know what had happened and got a generic reply. She had moved our classroom for the next day but did she tell me in her reply? Hell no. That would've been the NICE and PROFESSIONAL thing to do. Instead, I missed an hour of class the next day as well because I had no idea that the room had changed. Nice.

Things started to go really bad for me after I challenged a questionon the second test. Prior to starting the quarter, I was advised by others notto challenge anything with this instructor. Before speaking to my instructor, Iconsulted another nursing instructor that I know outside of the program. Shetold me that she thought my rationale was good and that I should question it. Iapproached the situation very carefully, and was delicate with my choice ofwords. Here is a synopsis of the question:

You have a laryngectomy patient. What intervention would you teach to promote mucous membrane integrity?

A. Drink 8-10 glasses of water per day

B. Take steamy showers

C. something

D. something

The answer that she had was A. My answer was B, because there was no mention of how long post-op the patient was and I had to go with patient safety. The response that I got was anything but reasonable. She said that allof the answers might be poor but that I needed to figure out what the bestanswer was. No ifs, ands, or buts. She wouldn’t listen to my rationale and cutme off right away. She said that I should have ASSUMED that the intervention was for a long-term patient. Ummm... okay.... maybe if we were talking about home care, but in the hospital setting I'm going to be teaching the patient how to stay alive. I was shocked to say the least. I pay tuition to come hereevery day and work my butt off, not to be treated like a high-school studentwho has no choice but to come. I knew going in that she was probably going tobe sarcastic and rude, but I still expected her to at least listen to me. The first time doing med recall with her was also a disaster. I was going over Heparin with her when she interrupted me by asking me what she called a "HIPPA rule". I kept saying things like, "Check the patient, check the ID band...". She wanted me to change the needle, which if I can recall correctly, has NOTHING to do with HIPPA. Before this incident, she hadn’t written much on my process tool. Now all of asudden, everything’s wrong and I’m incompetent. Besides not hearing me out, shewasn’t even reading my process tool. I have two examples specifically of thisin regards to her not reading what was on it, and one good example concerningmy performance check-off. I was given my scenario with no written or verbalinstructions, so I just did what my previous instructor had told me to do. Shesaid not to worry about the lines, and to just write down what you would do inorder and write your rationale beside it. I had seven actions total, my fiveskills and two assessments. I was really trying to be as thorough as possible.I can’t remember specifics about my scenario, but the short version is that mypatient had CHF and the respiratory therapist is in the room suctioning when Icome in. So first I put “assess lungs and oxygen status” and then I put that Iwould give the Lasix IVP and so on. She sees my scenario and sees that I haveseven “actions” and starts to get upset that I didn’t use the five lines. She’salso only reading it half-asked and starts loudly asking about the suctioningover and over again. Well, it was last, after my reassessment, and only if itwas needed. She told me redo it only using the five skills. Since she had beenso hyper-focused on the suctioning, I assumed that maybe she wanted me to takeover for the respiratory therapist. So now that’s first on the list and theLasix IVP is 2^nd. It was wrong. She said that I missed the prioritywhich was the Lasix and that I have to come back and do another scenario. Itried to tell her that I had that the first time but she wouldn’t hear me out.Desperately wanting to get her back on my side, I fumble and fidget and lose myconcentration. I can’t find the tuberculin syringe to do my Heparin skill, so Igrab a 3 mL even though my med was less than 1 mL. Wrong. So I look again, andI still can’t see it. The only small one left is an insulin syringe. Wrong. Iknow this, but I also know that my instructor doesn’t have a high patiencetolerance. Long story short, I really blew it. I was still reeling from thescenario that she wouldn’t read. I came back the next day and everything wasperfect. I was not under the same amount of stress, which would explain myability to function normally.

I got an 80% on the final exam. Sheasked what was different about this test that contributed to my higher score. Itold her that I felt that the test questions were pretty clear, which was onlyhalf- true. After I got up and asked her my first question, I could sense thatshe was really irritated so I didn’t ask her my other two questions, which Iended up getting wrong. Even though I knew that I didn’t successfully pass the coursefor a second time and that it would result in my dismissal, I still wanted togo over the questions. I want to know what I’m doing wrong so that I can fixit. It’s true in every single course. I want to review every test so that I canget better. I would be concerned if the student didn’t want to review the test.A student who doesn’t want to know what they’re doing wrong obviously doesn’tcare enough to change. I think that it’s incredibly unfair for me to be treatedthat way for the pure and simple fact that I wanted to learn. I think that it’sstrange that I didn’t get my clinical evaluation until after the final. I alsothink that she had every intention of failing me for clinical if I had passedthe lecture portion. My clinical evaluation was terrible. She said ( or yelled,rather) that I was unsafe to administer Heparin (even though I had done it justfine in clinical), my care plans weren’t specific enough to my patient, my medrecall was terrible, and that a few weeks ago, my partner and I didn’t ask fora med reconciliation form. She said that it was HIPPA and that it was a patientsafety issue and that it was a big deal that we didn’t ask for it. I told herthat we assumed that there wasn’t one because it wasn’t in our stack of papers.The real question is, if it was such a huge patient safety issue, why didn’tshe say anything when it happened rather than wait until the last day of class?That was an issue 3 weeks ago and I had other patients after that. Was shegoing to let us keep making the same mistake over and over again?

Right after the heparin comment, I started to say, "You....". She then goes, "There you go... blaming others. You can't even take responsibility for your own mistakes". Had she listened to me, she would have known that I was just going to say that I was confused because she kept repeating "HIPPA" over and over again in the med room at clinical. It wasn't until a few minutes later that I realized that she was talking about my performance exam, which isn't really even fair because she went out of her way to intimidate me during my check-off.

I was allowed to look at my finaland ask questions about it. At question three, she yells, “I’m not going to sithere and argue with you about this. If you want to know because you want toknow than fine, but….” I’m not sure why she’s so defensive about the questions,but some of them are eerily familiar to the way she asks questions. She’sunwilling to accept that other instructors require different things in regardsto their process tools, and that some instructors even use their ownparameters. She’s made snarky, passive remarks about my ADHD that I haven’tdisclosed to her, which means either that she’s on the Reinstatement Committee,some faculty members may have some confidentiality issues, or both.Nonetheless, nothing she said hurt as much as when she told me that I needed tofind a new career, because I wasn’t good enough to be a nurse. I might not bean “A” student, but I bend over backwards to change something if need be.

I've never encountered a more cruel and calculating instructor as Shipley. Her reputation out in the community is fierce, but it's nothing compared to having a front row seat to watch the devil rip your heart out.

Next post: Word of the day: blame... and how I figured out that these assholes were working together....

Reinstatement? For me?

I cried the entire way home from my meeting with Joseph. I was angry, hurt, embarrassed, and ashamed. I obsessed over it for hours before I finally decided to email him (emails are copied and pasted directly from my school’s website).

Joseph, Thank you for meeting with me yesterday. After getting home yesterday, I started to wonder if I miscommunicated what I was trying to say. I was not trying to say that faculty members were wrong in determining test questions and answers. What I wanted to say was that as a student, it’s difficult to get a test question wrong and later be told that you were right or that the question was poorly written. What makes it even more difficult, is that when you’re taking it in the testing center, there is no one to ask if you have a question. By no means did I want to go in there and belittle your faculty.  That’s the last thing that I would even consider doing.  Please don’t feel that you have to respond to this email. I’m still trying to “recover” from yesterday’s conversation.  I simply wanted to apologize if I there were some things said by me that would give the impression that I’m playing the “blame game”.  I hope that you and your family have a nice holiday. Susan

Susan

 I appreciate the communication.  It would have been great to have that meeting with Prof. Molly Roll to clarify those test concerns.  Your clinical evaluation was positive and I would hope you will continue and graduate from the Nursing Program.   Is it a possibility that you just need more time with the content in Nsg. 222?   Enjoy your holidays.

Joseph, I can see how one may think that. I will admit to not knwing my meds how I should have for the first test. So in that aspect, yes. I believe that my biggest problem was answering test questions. I had no problem verbalizing or applying content. That being said, there were a few questions that I misread or didn't understand what the question was asking. Molly always told me that I rush through tests.  My response to her was that it didn't matter how long I looked at the question, I still wouldn't pick any of the answers exactly how they were written. I would always have a rationale, and sometimes they weren't right, but a lot of the time they were. She also said that I talked myself out of a lot of things. Maybe, maybe not. I just feel like sometimes there isn't enough information given to accurately answer the question. It doesn't mean that I don't know the information. I would do great if the tests were given verbally :) Susan

Joseph, I forgot to say why I don't want to meet with Molly. I don't want to experience the same stress response that I had during that five weeks again if the outcome isn't favorable. It's not because I'm unsure of my rationale, but rather that I don't want to bring personal feelings into the mix that will most likely be repeated to peers and that will ultimately end up hurting my credibility down the road. I understand that this program wants to promote confidentiality, but in my own personal experiences, people talk. It's human nature. Due to the fact that it was only Molly and I reviewing together after each test, it would be difficult for me to argue a point unless I was absolutely positive that others who practice in the field agree with my rationale. Therefore, it would be in my best interest to decline a meeting at this time. I don't have enough courage to stand up and speak out if everyone around me feels differently. I'm sorry that I didn't mention this earlier, but the tone of our meeting suggested that I keep that information to myself. It's always hard being the first person to speak up when they feel like they have been treated unfairly or were at a disadvantage. All I ask is that you please remember that I wouldn't have wasted my time if I didn't feel so strongly about it. It was very hard for me to come to you and say what was on my mind. As a nursing student, I take this program very seriously. I do understand that my past does hurt my credibility. That being being said, you can from my current grades that I strive to do as well as I can to meet Sinclair's standards. At the end of the day, I want to feel as if the time that my kids are away from me is well spent. I can imagine that any parent would feel the same way. Susan

No response from the last two emails. He was so persistent about Molly joining us during our meeting but I couldn’t find the words to explain how anxious I was around her.  My blood pressure was consistently twenty points higher than what it usually runs, my heart would race, and I had “the shakes” so often that other people noticed. It wasn’t that I didn’t like her necessarily, but I knew that if I had that response again coupled with the complete lack of tact and unwavering hatred for me, I would find the nearest hole I could find and crawl inside and never come out.

I had promised to call *D and *A and let them know how my meeting had gone. They were shocked as well, but their meetings had already been scheduled. I was eager to find out how their meetings went and I spoke to each one right after their meetings. Both reported that their meetings went great. He was attentive, took notes, asked questions… and not once were they subjected to Joseph’s critique of their transcripts. We all had a few academic blemishes, so why was I the only one to be put on the chopping block? I thought about the differences between our meetings for weeks. I eventually came to the conclusion that he was respectful towards them because they were in his age group, and that I’m just some 23-year-old who’s flapping her gums.

My frustration quickly turned into elation when I got the call for reinstatement. Even though I was put into Shipley’s section (she has a TERRIBLE reputation), I was happy just to be reinstated. The first person I called was *D. She was just as excited as I was until we started to talk about her reinstatement.  She quickly hung up with me and called the school. The reinstatement committee wasn’t scheduled to meet until a few days before the quarter started. *D and I talked about my stroke of luck for hours before coming to the conclusion that Joseph must have went back and looked at the questions  and saw that I was telling the truth. I felt so vindicated. It was short-lived, though.

Next post- She must need hearing aids because she sure as Hell isn’t listening to anything that I have to say