Word of the day: blame, and how I figured out these assholes were working together.

After Shipley’s rampage, I went home and bawled my eyes out. It was horrible just to fail the course, but it was absolutely devastating being subjected to her loud, berating tirade. I had already prepared myself emotionally for the course failure. I was pretty sure after what she had pulled during my performance check-off that she was going to do whatever she had to do to fail me. I wasn’t expecting her tirade, however, which took me completely by surprise.

*D did her best to comfort me while I tried to explain what Shipley had done. I knew that the next step was to make an appointment with the chairperson. *D had had the chairperson for NSG 220 and had nothing but positive things to say about her. She said that she was really “pro-student” and wanted students to succeed. Even with that in mind, I wrote the chairperson, Jan, a five-page letter explaining EVERYTHING. I really felt that I needed to do this, because I was completely caught off guard when Joseph tried to prove my incompetence a few weeks earlier.

My meeting with Jan was anything but predictable. Up until this point, I just thought that I had come across two separate people that lacked in the understanding of ethical and moral behavior. She also had my file pulled just as Joseph did. The same tacky approach was taken in regards to proving my incompetence. I gave her an example of a test question directly from our practice test that showed how unclear the question was (word for word from our school’s website):

The RN plans to do dietary teaching for the patient with CAD who select these foods more than 3 times each week. (Select all that apply).

a.       Olives

b.      Sugarless cookies with 3 GM. Transfats

c.       Scrambled eggs

d.      French fries

e.      Spicy salsa

The answers that they had were b,c, and d. The rationale given for allowing olive consumption is that olive oil is beneficial to the heart. My argument is that the student needs to know what kind of olives are being consumed. It is unreasonable to believe that with the information given that the patient is consuming fresh olives. Most people eat canned olives, which are very high in salt. People with CAD are taught to follow an American Heart Association diet, which says to “choose and prepare foods with little or no salt”.

Her response? “Susan- what is CAD?” The last thing I was expecting was a quiz so I was a little surprised to say the least. “Ummm… fats lining the arteries.” Jan said, “Lipids. Lipids are the lab that we evaluate in patients with CAD. Salt has nothing to do with CAD so your point is moot.” I didn’t say anything. I wanted to be sarcastic,, because that’s how I like to roll, but all I said was, “Well, Molly agreed with us and said that the question could have been written better.” She says, “You say you don’t argue with instructors but here you are arguing with me”. Seriously? I can’t DISCUSS rationale at all? Since when is having a discussion considered arguing? She was obviously not going to listen to anything that I had to say. She went on to say that I should stop blaming others and take responsibility for my failures. I started to tear up again. She said that it was her job to make sure that the testing software was functioning properly and that she would look into it. Right, I’m so sure you will, I thought. I left Jan  with the letter below:

3/26/12

To whom it may concern:

                I would like to contest my grade in NSG 222. I have spent too much time at Sinclair to just give up on my dream of becoming a nurse based on the outcome of one course. Before going into details, though, I think that it would be beneficial if I give you a brief history and explanation of my time at Sinclair.

Anatomy & Physiology and Pharmacology were never very easy for me. Before I started the Nursing Program, I had nothing to apply them to and found them to be tedious and boring. To be completely honest, I’ve learned more in my nursing classes in regards to content than I did during the time in which I was taking those courses. Those were the only two course subjects that I struggled with. During that same time frame, I had identified some academic weaknesses and made it a goal to improve. I knew that I would have performance check-offs in the program, and elected to take a public speaking class to overcome my “stage-fright”.  I also elected to take a few nursing/ pharmacology courses before entering 221 and 222. I learned a lot in those classes, but struggled with the final exams, which were full of short-answer questions that required me to find substitutes for certain drugs and dose them accordingly. I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting it at all and didn’t answer many of the questions. Since I was taking it for personal benefit and not a grade, I didn’t give much thought to “abandoning” those final exams.

1^st quarter in the Nursing Program- NSG 120, 121, Math 109, Micro, and A&P III (17 credit hours). This was a busy quarter for me. I was in my 3^rd trimester with my 2^nd child and worked double shifts on the weekends. I failed Math 109 and had to retake it during the summer. I was never given a grade for my final exam, and was told only that I had missed the mark by a few points. At the time, I was new in the program and didn’t think to question my grade or question my instructor’s grading methods. 

2^nd quarter- NSG 122, 123, and Pharmacology. Got a 78 on the first test in 122. After that point, “Lewis” became my best friend and there was a huge change in my test scores. I had a wonderful instructor, Tammy, who worked very hard to help her students succeed. Although she had us do extra assignments, it really helped you to really understand the content. I also contested many test questions in which the book said one thing and the test another. There were many times when Tammy told me that she would “take it back to her peers”. One question was even an N-CLEX question that was straight out of the book. I asked Tammy if I was going to get my points for it and she said, “Probably not”. I still passed the course, but I was pretty upset that my instructor would agree that I had the right answer, yet I wasn’t getting any points back. On the flip side, I bombed my first check-off in 123. It was completely unfamiliar territory and I had a panic attack right in the middle of my check-off. I didn’t even put on my gloves. I earned only 20 of 50 total possible points. After that, I made every effort to be successful in subsequent check-offs.  I passed my 2^nd check-off at 100% for 123 and passed my 122 check-off the first time. Unfortunately, I still ended up failing 123 by three points. After losing 30 points on the first check-off, there wasn’t a lot of room for error. This is also the time during which I learned that my math instructor was known for mis-grading and that she also wasn’t supposed to take away points for showing your work different from how she had taught. Upset, I went to speak with Marcia Miller who told me that they were aware of the issue and to save my emotional energy since I had already retaken math during the summer.

3^rd quarter- NSG 220. Content was very detail oriented. My instructor was very nice and helpful. I only “challenged” one question and I got my point back. I definitely liked that there was a system in place for students to challenge questions. It really made you feel that you were being treated fairly. Passed check-off the 1^st time.

4^th quarter- NSG 221. Great instructor. She was very passionate and gave excellent examples. Again, I only challenged one question. After hearing her rationale, that was the end of the discussion. My answer didn’t use therapeutic communication technique and I fully accepted it. I had to repeat the med-identification part of my check-off. You had to identify what med the pt. should be on for his/her condition out of a stack of about ten possible meds. The patient had anxiety. The only two possible meds for anxiety in my stack were Buspar and Librium. The scenario specifically asked for a benzo and instead, I picked Buspar even though it wasn’t a benzo because I had assumed that Librium was only used for alcohol detox. Other than that, everything else about my check-off was fine.

NSG 222- My instructor was nice. She had incredibly high expectations, and I did my best to meet them. I actively participated in class. Although I could speak the content pretty good and could recite my meds fairly fluently during med recall, I was still failing the tests. It was incredibly frustrating. My instructor was very good about going over my tests with me. After the first test, I started to challenge the questions. In some cases I was just wrong, but in other cases my instructor would tell me that she thought that they threw this question out or that question out. Other times it would take her six times to read the question and try to figure out what it was asking, the same number of times that it took me. A few times she even told me that I was right, but the answer that I had chosen wasn’t the one that they were looking for. I asked her if they could keep the scrap paper that we get in the testing center to write down rationale if we have any problems. She told me that they couldn’t do that. I was really frustrated. I felt hopeless. My demeanor completely changed. I honestly felt that I had a handle on the content and that the questions were too vague. Our entire class looked as if they had been to war. Everyone was struggling. We all had power points from another instructor and used those as well. There were some discrepancies, which unfortunately contributed to some missed questions. I can’t argue another instructor’s notes. Even though I think it would be terribly disrespectful to do so, it was still unsettling that there were so many discrepancies, considering that all the students were given the same test questions. I did good on my EKG test, earning 9.5 out of 10 points. I did have to take my math test a second time. For check-offs, I had to redo my IV push and scenario. The only test that I did pass was the final, which I only got an 85% on. My instructor’s biggest issue with me was my process tool. I did try very hard to navigate Epic and find all of my information. Epic was new to me, and we didn’t have a lot of time to find things, so I did have missing data. She also had issues with my plan of care. At the Atrium, patients don’t stay for very long and my patients were always scheduled to leave that day or the next. With that in mind, my interventions were only those that reflected their current state of health, not their admitting diagnosis. Once I figured out that my instructor wanted a plan of care based on the disease and not the patient, she was much happier and told me that she was very impressed with my care plan and the improvement that I had made. Had I known that earlier, I would have done just that. In regards to my missing data, I refuse to make something up just to fill in the blank. I’ve been advised by other students to do so and that the instructors didn’t know the difference, but for me it comes down to integrity. I don’t want to get in the habit of thinking that it’s okay to make up stuff I don’t know. I don’t think that it’s a quality that a good nurse possesses.            

My instructor was aware that I had ADHD. In the beginning of the quarter, I had told her that I was having trouble getting my prescription filled due to a drug shortage, which was true, but mostly an attempt to hide my true feelings towards the test questions. She was very understanding and seemed like she cared a lot. I did everything that I possibly could, but I still ended up failing the course by about 7 or 8 points. I felt like I was not only a failure as student, but a failure as a mom as well. My kids spent many nights away from home for nothing. It truly broke my heart. My only saving grace was knowing that I wasn’t the only one having issues. Two, possibly three other students failed in a class of nine.

NSG 222 (2^nd attempt)- The class started out okay. I didn’t talk much. I was still jaded from my first attempt. Things started to go really bad for me after I challenged a question on the second test. Prior to starting the quarter, I was advised by others not to challenge anything with this instructor. Before speaking to my instructor, I consulted another nursing instructor that I know outside of the program. She told me that she thought my rationale was good and that I should question it. I approached the situation very carefully, and was delicate with my choice of words. The response that I got was anything but reasonable. She said that all of the answers might be poor but that I needed to figure out what the best answer was. No ifs, ands, or buts. She wouldn’t listen to my rationale and cut me off right away. I was shocked to say the least. I pay tuition to come here every day and work my butt off, not to be treated like a high-school student who has no choice but to come. I knew going in that she was probably going to be sarcastic and rude, but I still expected her to at least listen to me. Before this incident, she hadn’t written much on my process tool. Now all of a sudden, everything’s wrong and I’m incompetent. Besides not hearing me out, she wasn’t even reading my process tool. I have two examples specifically of this in regards to her not reading what was on it, and one good example concerning my performance check-off. I was given my scenario with no written or verbal instructions, so I just did what my previous instructor had told me to do. She said not to worry about the lines, and to just write down what you would do in order and write your rationale beside it. I had seven actions total, my five skills and two assessments. I was really trying to be as thorough as possible. I can’t remember specifics about my scenario, but the short version is that my patient had CHF and the respiratory therapist is in the room suctioning when I come in. So first I put “assess lungs and oxygen status” and then I put that I would give the Lasix IVP and so on. She sees my scenario and sees that I have seven “actions” and starts to get upset that I didn’t use the five lines. She’s also only reading it half-asked and starts loudly asking about the suctioning over and over again. Well, it was last, after my reassessment, and only if it was needed. She told me redo it only using the five skills. Since she had been so hyper-focused on the suctioning, I assumed that maybe she wanted me to take over for the respiratory therapist. So now that’s first on the list and the Lasix IVP is 2^nd. It was wrong. She said that I missed the priority which was the Lasix and that I have to come back and do another scenario. I tried to tell her that I had that the first time but she wouldn’t hear me out. Desperately wanting to get her back on my side, I fumble and fidget and lose my concentration. I can’t find the tuberculin syringe to do my Heparin skill, so I grab a 3 mL even though my med was less than 1 mL. Wrong. So I look again, and I still can’t see it. The only small one left is an insulin syringe. Wrong. I know this, but I also know that my instructor doesn’t have a high patience tolerance. Long story short, I really blew it. I was still reeling from the scenario that she wouldn’t read. I came back the next day and everything was perfect. I was not under the same amount of stress, which would explain my ability to function normally.

I got an 80% on the final exam. She asked what was different about this test that contributed to my higher score. I told her that I felt that the test questions were pretty clear, which was only half- true. After I got up and asked her my first question, I could sense that she was really irritated so I didn’t ask her my other two questions, which I ended up getting wrong. Even though I knew that I didn’t successfully pass the course for a second time and that it would result in my dismissal, I still wanted to go over the questions. I want to know what I’m doing wrong so that I can fix it. It’s true in every single course. I want to review every test so that I can get better. I would be concerned if the student didn’t want to review the test. A student who doesn’t want to know what they’re doing wrong obviously doesn’t care enough to change. I think that it’s incredibly unfair for me to be treated that way for the pure and simple fact that I wanted to learn. I think that it’s strange that I didn’t get my clinical evaluation until after the final. I also think that she had every intention of failing me for clinical if I had passed the lecture portion. My clinical evaluation was terrible. She said ( or yelled, rather) that I was unsafe to administer Heparin (even though I had done it just fine in clinical), my care plans weren’t specific enough to my patient, my med recall was terrible, and that a few weeks ago, my partner and I didn’t ask for a med reconciliation form. She said that it was HIPPA and that it was a patient safety issue and that it was a big deal that we didn’t ask for it. I told her that we assumed that there wasn’t one because it wasn’t in our stack of papers. The real question is, if it was such a huge patient safety issue, why didn’t she say anything when it happened rather than wait until the last day of class? That was an issue 3 weeks ago and I had other patients after that. Was she going to let us keep making the same mistake over and over again?

I was allowed to look at my final and ask questions about it. At question three, she yells, “I’m not going to sit here and argue with you about this. If you want to know because you want to know than fine, but….” I’m not sure why she’s so defensive about the questions, but some of them are eerily familiar to the way she asks questions. She’s unwilling to accept that other instructors require different things in regards to their process tools, and that some instructors even use their own parameters. She’s made snarky, passive remarks about my ADHD that I haven’t disclosed to her, which means either that she’s on the Reinstatement Committee, some faculty members may have some confidentiality issues, or both. Nonetheless, nothing she said hurt as much as when she told me that I needed to find a new career, because I wasn’t good enough to be a nurse. I might not be an “A” student, but I bend over backwards to change something if need be.

After all of this, you may think the purpose of the above story is to complain about my instructor. Honestly, I know that complaining is going to get me nowhere in this particular instance.

The whole purpose of the above story is to show you that I don’t just screw up all the time and that my concerns were ignored by my instructor. I’m asking for the chance to dispute test questions. I would like my tests printed out so that I can go through and identify rationale and references. After spending the last four years here, I think I deserve the chance to defend myself if I’m being told to get out. In addition, I would like an instructor who’s non-biased to look at it. I really believe that the 222 instructors are too emotionally involved, based on my experiences so far.

Thanks for your time,

Do you think that I received a call in regards to my harassment claims about Shipley? Nope. If I were the chairperson of the nursing department, I would want to know dates, times, whether or not there were any witnesses, ect. Not only was Shipley’s behavior forbidden in the faculty handbook, so was Joseph’s and Jan’s. At this point I’m pissed. There was clearly no justice within the nursing department. It was obvious to me now that these people had all talked about me and were using the same words and phrases, most notably that I was blaming others for my grades, which I was not. I just wanted to identify rationale. Period. It took a minute, but the only thing that I have done differently than other students was voice a safety concern regarding the eye washing. BAM! There it was. They were pushing me out the door to shut me up and convince me that I was incompetent so that I would doubt myself and not tell others. It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but safety is HUGE in nursing and government requirements (later post).

 Again, I went home and cried. A lot. The crying just made me even more mad, and I decided at that point that I wasn’t going to let this go. This hasn’t just happened to me, it’s happened to other people, as well. You hear about these things, but it’s mostly swept under the rug and people forget about it. The student loses the passion for their fight and just gives up. Not me. Like Kelly Clarkson says, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. To be honest, it kind of is killing me (more on that soon!), but it will be worth it in the end. At the very least, I won’t have to look back and think, Gee…I wish I would’ve done something about that…

Next post: They probably shouldn’t have given me so much time to educate myself about the law and my legal rights.

She must need hearing aids because she sure as Hell isn’t listening to anything that I have to say

The class started out okay. I didn’t talk much. I was still jaded from my first attempt. I missed the first day of class due to my 3-year-old son turning off my alarm clock. As luck would have it, it wasn't the first time that that had happened to me. It also happened during my first attempt at NSG 222. Irony is a strange thing.... Anyways, I emailed her to let her know what had happened and got a generic reply. She had moved our classroom for the next day but did she tell me in her reply? Hell no. That would've been the NICE and PROFESSIONAL thing to do. Instead, I missed an hour of class the next day as well because I had no idea that the room had changed. Nice.

Things started to go really bad for me after I challenged a questionon the second test. Prior to starting the quarter, I was advised by others notto challenge anything with this instructor. Before speaking to my instructor, Iconsulted another nursing instructor that I know outside of the program. Shetold me that she thought my rationale was good and that I should question it. Iapproached the situation very carefully, and was delicate with my choice ofwords. Here is a synopsis of the question:

You have a laryngectomy patient. What intervention would you teach to promote mucous membrane integrity?

A. Drink 8-10 glasses of water per day

B. Take steamy showers

C. something

D. something

The answer that she had was A. My answer was B, because there was no mention of how long post-op the patient was and I had to go with patient safety. The response that I got was anything but reasonable. She said that allof the answers might be poor but that I needed to figure out what the bestanswer was. No ifs, ands, or buts. She wouldn’t listen to my rationale and cutme off right away. She said that I should have ASSUMED that the intervention was for a long-term patient. Ummm... okay.... maybe if we were talking about home care, but in the hospital setting I'm going to be teaching the patient how to stay alive. I was shocked to say the least. I pay tuition to come hereevery day and work my butt off, not to be treated like a high-school studentwho has no choice but to come. I knew going in that she was probably going tobe sarcastic and rude, but I still expected her to at least listen to me. The first time doing med recall with her was also a disaster. I was going over Heparin with her when she interrupted me by asking me what she called a "HIPPA rule". I kept saying things like, "Check the patient, check the ID band...". She wanted me to change the needle, which if I can recall correctly, has NOTHING to do with HIPPA. Before this incident, she hadn’t written much on my process tool. Now all of asudden, everything’s wrong and I’m incompetent. Besides not hearing me out, shewasn’t even reading my process tool. I have two examples specifically of thisin regards to her not reading what was on it, and one good example concerningmy performance check-off. I was given my scenario with no written or verbalinstructions, so I just did what my previous instructor had told me to do. Shesaid not to worry about the lines, and to just write down what you would do inorder and write your rationale beside it. I had seven actions total, my fiveskills and two assessments. I was really trying to be as thorough as possible.I can’t remember specifics about my scenario, but the short version is that mypatient had CHF and the respiratory therapist is in the room suctioning when Icome in. So first I put “assess lungs and oxygen status” and then I put that Iwould give the Lasix IVP and so on. She sees my scenario and sees that I haveseven “actions” and starts to get upset that I didn’t use the five lines. She’salso only reading it half-asked and starts loudly asking about the suctioningover and over again. Well, it was last, after my reassessment, and only if itwas needed. She told me redo it only using the five skills. Since she had beenso hyper-focused on the suctioning, I assumed that maybe she wanted me to takeover for the respiratory therapist. So now that’s first on the list and theLasix IVP is 2^nd. It was wrong. She said that I missed the prioritywhich was the Lasix and that I have to come back and do another scenario. Itried to tell her that I had that the first time but she wouldn’t hear me out.Desperately wanting to get her back on my side, I fumble and fidget and lose myconcentration. I can’t find the tuberculin syringe to do my Heparin skill, so Igrab a 3 mL even though my med was less than 1 mL. Wrong. So I look again, andI still can’t see it. The only small one left is an insulin syringe. Wrong. Iknow this, but I also know that my instructor doesn’t have a high patiencetolerance. Long story short, I really blew it. I was still reeling from thescenario that she wouldn’t read. I came back the next day and everything wasperfect. I was not under the same amount of stress, which would explain myability to function normally.

I got an 80% on the final exam. Sheasked what was different about this test that contributed to my higher score. Itold her that I felt that the test questions were pretty clear, which was onlyhalf- true. After I got up and asked her my first question, I could sense thatshe was really irritated so I didn’t ask her my other two questions, which Iended up getting wrong. Even though I knew that I didn’t successfully pass the coursefor a second time and that it would result in my dismissal, I still wanted togo over the questions. I want to know what I’m doing wrong so that I can fixit. It’s true in every single course. I want to review every test so that I canget better. I would be concerned if the student didn’t want to review the test.A student who doesn’t want to know what they’re doing wrong obviously doesn’tcare enough to change. I think that it’s incredibly unfair for me to be treatedthat way for the pure and simple fact that I wanted to learn. I think that it’sstrange that I didn’t get my clinical evaluation until after the final. I alsothink that she had every intention of failing me for clinical if I had passedthe lecture portion. My clinical evaluation was terrible. She said ( or yelled,rather) that I was unsafe to administer Heparin (even though I had done it justfine in clinical), my care plans weren’t specific enough to my patient, my medrecall was terrible, and that a few weeks ago, my partner and I didn’t ask fora med reconciliation form. She said that it was HIPPA and that it was a patientsafety issue and that it was a big deal that we didn’t ask for it. I told herthat we assumed that there wasn’t one because it wasn’t in our stack of papers.The real question is, if it was such a huge patient safety issue, why didn’tshe say anything when it happened rather than wait until the last day of class?That was an issue 3 weeks ago and I had other patients after that. Was shegoing to let us keep making the same mistake over and over again?

Right after the heparin comment, I started to say, "You....". She then goes, "There you go... blaming others. You can't even take responsibility for your own mistakes". Had she listened to me, she would have known that I was just going to say that I was confused because she kept repeating "HIPPA" over and over again in the med room at clinical. It wasn't until a few minutes later that I realized that she was talking about my performance exam, which isn't really even fair because she went out of her way to intimidate me during my check-off.

I was allowed to look at my finaland ask questions about it. At question three, she yells, “I’m not going to sithere and argue with you about this. If you want to know because you want toknow than fine, but….” I’m not sure why she’s so defensive about the questions,but some of them are eerily familiar to the way she asks questions. She’sunwilling to accept that other instructors require different things in regardsto their process tools, and that some instructors even use their ownparameters. She’s made snarky, passive remarks about my ADHD that I haven’tdisclosed to her, which means either that she’s on the Reinstatement Committee,some faculty members may have some confidentiality issues, or both.Nonetheless, nothing she said hurt as much as when she told me that I needed tofind a new career, because I wasn’t good enough to be a nurse. I might not bean “A” student, but I bend over backwards to change something if need be.

I've never encountered a more cruel and calculating instructor as Shipley. Her reputation out in the community is fierce, but it's nothing compared to having a front row seat to watch the devil rip your heart out.

Next post: Word of the day: blame... and how I figured out that these assholes were working together....

Reinstatement? For me?

I cried the entire way home from my meeting with Joseph. I was angry, hurt, embarrassed, and ashamed. I obsessed over it for hours before I finally decided to email him (emails are copied and pasted directly from my school’s website).

Joseph, Thank you for meeting with me yesterday. After getting home yesterday, I started to wonder if I miscommunicated what I was trying to say. I was not trying to say that faculty members were wrong in determining test questions and answers. What I wanted to say was that as a student, it’s difficult to get a test question wrong and later be told that you were right or that the question was poorly written. What makes it even more difficult, is that when you’re taking it in the testing center, there is no one to ask if you have a question. By no means did I want to go in there and belittle your faculty.  That’s the last thing that I would even consider doing.  Please don’t feel that you have to respond to this email. I’m still trying to “recover” from yesterday’s conversation.  I simply wanted to apologize if I there were some things said by me that would give the impression that I’m playing the “blame game”.  I hope that you and your family have a nice holiday. Susan

Susan

 I appreciate the communication.  It would have been great to have that meeting with Prof. Molly Roll to clarify those test concerns.  Your clinical evaluation was positive and I would hope you will continue and graduate from the Nursing Program.   Is it a possibility that you just need more time with the content in Nsg. 222?   Enjoy your holidays.

Joseph, I can see how one may think that. I will admit to not knwing my meds how I should have for the first test. So in that aspect, yes. I believe that my biggest problem was answering test questions. I had no problem verbalizing or applying content. That being said, there were a few questions that I misread or didn't understand what the question was asking. Molly always told me that I rush through tests.  My response to her was that it didn't matter how long I looked at the question, I still wouldn't pick any of the answers exactly how they were written. I would always have a rationale, and sometimes they weren't right, but a lot of the time they were. She also said that I talked myself out of a lot of things. Maybe, maybe not. I just feel like sometimes there isn't enough information given to accurately answer the question. It doesn't mean that I don't know the information. I would do great if the tests were given verbally :) Susan

Joseph, I forgot to say why I don't want to meet with Molly. I don't want to experience the same stress response that I had during that five weeks again if the outcome isn't favorable. It's not because I'm unsure of my rationale, but rather that I don't want to bring personal feelings into the mix that will most likely be repeated to peers and that will ultimately end up hurting my credibility down the road. I understand that this program wants to promote confidentiality, but in my own personal experiences, people talk. It's human nature. Due to the fact that it was only Molly and I reviewing together after each test, it would be difficult for me to argue a point unless I was absolutely positive that others who practice in the field agree with my rationale. Therefore, it would be in my best interest to decline a meeting at this time. I don't have enough courage to stand up and speak out if everyone around me feels differently. I'm sorry that I didn't mention this earlier, but the tone of our meeting suggested that I keep that information to myself. It's always hard being the first person to speak up when they feel like they have been treated unfairly or were at a disadvantage. All I ask is that you please remember that I wouldn't have wasted my time if I didn't feel so strongly about it. It was very hard for me to come to you and say what was on my mind. As a nursing student, I take this program very seriously. I do understand that my past does hurt my credibility. That being being said, you can from my current grades that I strive to do as well as I can to meet Sinclair's standards. At the end of the day, I want to feel as if the time that my kids are away from me is well spent. I can imagine that any parent would feel the same way. Susan

No response from the last two emails. He was so persistent about Molly joining us during our meeting but I couldn’t find the words to explain how anxious I was around her.  My blood pressure was consistently twenty points higher than what it usually runs, my heart would race, and I had “the shakes” so often that other people noticed. It wasn’t that I didn’t like her necessarily, but I knew that if I had that response again coupled with the complete lack of tact and unwavering hatred for me, I would find the nearest hole I could find and crawl inside and never come out.

I had promised to call *D and *A and let them know how my meeting had gone. They were shocked as well, but their meetings had already been scheduled. I was eager to find out how their meetings went and I spoke to each one right after their meetings. Both reported that their meetings went great. He was attentive, took notes, asked questions… and not once were they subjected to Joseph’s critique of their transcripts. We all had a few academic blemishes, so why was I the only one to be put on the chopping block? I thought about the differences between our meetings for weeks. I eventually came to the conclusion that he was respectful towards them because they were in his age group, and that I’m just some 23-year-old who’s flapping her gums.

My frustration quickly turned into elation when I got the call for reinstatement. Even though I was put into Shipley’s section (she has a TERRIBLE reputation), I was happy just to be reinstated. The first person I called was *D. She was just as excited as I was until we started to talk about her reinstatement.  She quickly hung up with me and called the school. The reinstatement committee wasn’t scheduled to meet until a few days before the quarter started. *D and I talked about my stroke of luck for hours before coming to the conclusion that Joseph must have went back and looked at the questions  and saw that I was telling the truth. I felt so vindicated. It was short-lived, though.

Next post- She must need hearing aids because she sure as Hell isn’t listening to anything that I have to say

Meeting with Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde

I have had many teachers throughout my life that I’ve always thought of fondly. Each one had their own characteristics that especially stood out to me.  Whether they were funny, kind, or passionate about the subject they were teaching, something about them grabbed my attention and didn’t let go. Joseph was one of the teachers. I had him for NSG 120, which is like a “foundations in nursing” course.  Students take it their first quarter, along with NSG 121 and nursing math (MAT 109).   I liked Joseph because he seemed to be a little off of the beaten path. He lived in a town about 30 minutes away from campus that is known for its liberal vibe and its easy going attitude.  He told us stories about his various nursing gigs. The story that sticks out the clearest in my mind is the time that he was telling us about being a Hospice nurse, and that when the patients were dying and in incredible amounts of pain, Hospice nurses would typically turn their backs and pretend that the massive cloud in the room wasn’t caused by marijuana smoke.  I liked that he was compassionate (or so I thought) and that he lived in a town that embraced people from all walks of life. The thing I liked the MOST about him was that if you got a question wrong but could prove your answer, you could get your point back. His rationale was that sometimes instructors make mistakes or that sometimes students come up with rationales that the instructors didn’t think about. He said that “C” was for “continue” and that sometimes you would want a nurse who got C’s in school to take care of you because sometimes the A students have just memorized the facts and couldn’t apply the content to real life.

After the course ended, I was devastated. I talked to my friend *R at work who was also in the nursing program. When I started the program, *R was one quarter ahead of me, so I always went to her for advice or tips.  She suggested that I talk to Joseph and I thought that it was a good idea because he was the first person I talked to after I found out that the math teacher couldn’t count. He was very apologetic and referred me to the chairperson. I really thought that he would be able to help me.        

 I and two of my peers scheduled meetings with Joseph. We wanted to go as a group to the meeting, but instead were granted meetings individually. The purpose of my meeting was to discuss testing practices and the inability of students to ask questions during the test. My peers wanted to voice their concerns about the instructor. I was the first one to meet with Joseph and was scheduled for December 7^th, 2011.

Upon arrival, I saw that he had pulled my file. I wasn’t quite worried yet. I started out the meeting by thanking him for meeting me and then went on to explain why I was there: I had a safety concern about what was being taught in one of the courses, and that I would like to show how some of the test questions were vague or hard to read. I went on to tell him that the Disaster Preparedness instructor was teaching students that if someone is to get any kind of chemical in their eyes,  they should rinse the substance out for 10-15 seconds, up to a minute. I told him that I thought that it was dangerous to teach students , citing that the CDC, Poison Control, Mayo Clinic, ect. say to rinse for at least 10-15 minutes, if not longer. He looked bored. He had his head resting on his fist and stared down at the table for a minute before speaking. Then he said something to the effect of, “Okay, what’s next?” I was really confused… why wasn’t this a big deal and why isn’t anyone trying to correct the issue?

 I went on to voice my concerns about the test questions and the testing format and asked if I could have the opportunity to point out some questions that were not as clear as they could be.  He ignored my request and opened my file, criticizing whatever he saw fit along the way. It was really hard to hear someone talk about how stupid you are when you’re trying to be respectful  and keep your mouth shut instead of ripping the person’s face off.  I tried to defend myself while he was berating me for my grade in NSG 222, but he turned it into me being a whiny student and said that I was trying to blame my instructor because I failed the course. He said, "You get C's (above 80%), there are some B's mixed in there. I mean, you're just an average student. So you're an average student and you're telling me that a tenured professor is wrong?" Was he listening to me at all? I said, “This has nothing to do with Molly. She even agreed with me on the quality of a lot of the test questions.  In fact, there were three questions that she said she was 99% sure that I would get my points back on. I didn’t get those points  back. If I had gotten those three points back, I would be asking to prove my rationale for the remaining few needed to pass the course. I’m only here to let you know that many of the students in this program struggle with the questions in Cardiac (NSG 222)”. His response? “So... what you're saying is that the questions are wrong because you failed". I said, "No, there were questions in 122 that had the wrong answer. One time, I pointed out an         N-CLEX question out of the book that was on our test word-for-word. I asked Tammy if I could have my points back and she said, "Probably not". "Oh, well in that case we can just call Molly and have her come in to look at these questions with us. I’m pretty sure that she’s on campus today”.  His tone was sarcastic and cruel, and I started to tear up as he rolled over to his desk so that he could pretend to look for Molly’s extension number. He was successful in his tacky approach in getting me to decline having Molly come in and he knew it. Instead of dropping it, he continued to try and badger me into having Molly come in. I wasn’t afraid that I wouldn’t be able to prove my point; I just already knew what the result would be.  It would be a 2 against 1 situation with me being the one hanging my head in shame and embarrassment. I told him that it would just be a waste of everyone’s time and that she would have given me the points back during the quarter if she wanted to and that it would disrespectful of me to question her in front of her peer. He called me paranoid. Seriously?  At that point, I was trying to prevent the tears in my eyes from falling and I saw a group of papers hung on the walls with instructors names put into groups.  I almost had a heart attack when I saw Joseph, Molly, Mary and Roxanne all in the same group. Fantastic, I thought. I had went to the chairperson previously  about Mary not being able to count, I just had Molly, and I was pretty sure that Roxanne wasn’t too fond of me, either.

At that point I decided to end the meeting as quickly as I could. I couldn’t take it anymore. Tears were now flowing in full force and I had been embarrassed to the point of wanting to find the nearest bridge I could find. I felt dead inside. Before this meeting, I was so sure that he would be reasonable and hear me out. What in the Hell happened here?

Next Post-  Reinstatement? For me?